Fifty Shades of Mother's Day Porn (Safe for Work)

1. Your cranky, colicky, screech owl baby sleeps through the night.
2. Your husband covers your ears with muffs and comforts your cranky, colicky, screech owl baby all night.
3. That bad case of diaper rash, you know, the angry, screaming red, oozing, peeling, burning patch? It was all in your imagination.
4. Your older children cheerfully decide to take up all diapering duties.
5. Your toddler aims into the toilet without missing.
6. Your clingy two-year-old stops hugging your thighs while you sit on the toilet.
7. Your children play games on your cell phone while you hide in the closet with ye olde land line.
8. The baby's practicing her screech owl routine. Your husband kindly takes her outside for a walk around a 25-mile perimeter reservoir.
9. After you finish your Mother's Day breakfast-in-bed, you find the kitchen sparkling clean, all pots and pans washed and dried, all food items returned to their proper place and the garbage taken out.
10. Your nine-year-old started an organic garden, won first price with his giant cucumbers. When asked what his secret was, he points to the diaper pail.
11. You score orgasmic joy from your trip to grocery store. Not only does Mr. Hershey follow you home, but so does Mr. Lindor, Mr. Ghiradelli, and Mr. Nestle.
12. Your son's video for his Kentucky State Float is voted up by all your friends and he gets an "A".
13. Your school-aged children wake up with the rooster, make their own sandwiches, brush their teeth, clean their ears, and are standing at the school bus line while you're cuddling with your formerly cranky, colicky, screech owl baby, now cooing like a morning dove.
14. Your husband decides you need more sleep, not just at night. He insists you take your naps, twice a day, and fixes you snacks when you awake.
15. After your children turn your finger-painting party into a paintball slug fest, your husband sends you out to get your hair done while he calls the cleaning crew.
16. Your mother-in-law shows up unexpectedly with a giant box of Godiva chocolates and a great new book she wrote, How I Raised the Perfect Husband and Father
17. You go through your junk mail and find an envelope with a hundred dollar bill and a note, You're my random act of kindness today. Since you have eight kids, I figured you could use the dough.
18. Your child wrote about you in his famous mothers in history assignment. Only problem, he entitled it Fat-most Mother in History.
19. Your mother-in-law shows up with a nanny in tow. She's syndicated her Perfect Husband and Father program and wants to try it on your sons.
20. To save money on diaper wipes, your bright twelve-year-old has enlisted the family dog's help. "But, Mom, it's all licked clean and no rash."
21. Your home-schooled high school senior was not only admitted to all the Ivies, but he's scored you a book deal and a spot on Oprah.
22. Your children pool their pennies and buy you an E-Reader!
23. Your mother-in-law and her drill sergeant Nanny-in-Tow have rearranged all your kitchen cabinets, your spice rack, and your linen closet while training your sons the art of cooking, cleaning, and pleasing women.
24. You ask your husband, "What do you want for dinner?" He answers, "Don't worry, I'm taking you and the kids out."
25. You ask your husband the next day, "What do you want for dinner?" He answers, "Don't worry, the kids and I are cooking."
26. You ask your husband the following day, "What do you want for dinner?" He answers, "Don't worry, we'll have leftovers and tomorrow's your birthday. The kids and I have--oops, never mind."
27. Your husband comes home from Bible Study (Genesis Ch 3) and announces, "Did you know I'm supposed to do all the work, and your only job is to desire me? And from now on, I'm going grocery shopping so you won't pick the wrong fruit."
28. You barely weaned your latest baby and your pregnancy test has two PINK lines!
29. Your kitchen floor is always spotless clean. You ask your ten-year-old daughter how she manages. She points to the family dog.
30. Your family throws YOU a party on each of your children's birthday to thank YOU for the hard work and pain.
31. For your birthday, your husband takes the kids camping and gives you an American Express card for you and three of your best girlfriends to go to a beauty spa for the weekend.
32. You burned dinner again, but your entire family's chowing down. "Yum, best grub in town." "Love this, will you make it again?" "You're the best cook ever." Their eyes are watering, their throats are struggling, once or twice, someone looks like they're about to hurl, but when you look over, there's a brave thumb's up.
33. Your kitchen has been invaded by chocolate. Your teenage daughter and her girlfriends signed up for a Chocolate marathon bake sale. Your only job is to go to the store and buy the bourbon for the Chocolate Bomb Bourbon cake. The heavenly scent of chocolate wafts through your house.
34. Summer's coming up. Your family is concerned about your health. Every morning, you lift weights with the babies, jump obstacle courses with your toddlers, chase your school aged children to school, run with the dogs, exercise your lungs with the teenagers, and what? Your husband wants to do calisthenics at night?
35. Your children have just finished redecorating your dining room walls with their delightful artwork and your mother-in-law brings a camera crew from her book tour How I Taught my Daughter-in-Law to Keep House.
36. You're struggling through your first draft. Your husband and kids tip-toe around the house saying, "Shhh... Mommy's talking to her characters again. Don't disturb her."
37. Your attention wanders. You scream, "Lady Godiva!" Your daughter shows up with a plate of chocolate. "You called?"
38. You've gained twenty pounds from all the chocolate. Your husband says, "I prefer you pleasingly plump." Your son says, "Great, now I'll get to drive since it's too cramped behind the wheel." Your daughter says, "Let's go shopping!"
39. You died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter tells you to relax. Everyone runs with their scissors pointed down. No one goes out without a jacket. And the lights are always on, so you'll never sit in the dark again.
40. Your son-in-law is the founder of the hottest Social Networking startup and gifted you with friends and family stock.
41. Your daughter-in-law is a PhD in Mathematics and has asked you to supervise her homeschooling curriculum.
42. Your grown up children call, text, e-mail, and video chat with you constantly, asking for untold amounts of advice, and following through with live updates and progress reports.
43. Your last kid's Skatepark Video goes viral on Youtube.
44. Your mother-in-law reads an excerpt from Chantel Rhondeau's upcoming romantic suspense about a suspected murderess and calls to ask you. "Anyone we know?"
45. Before you answer, you gift her Joan Szechtman's timetravel romance, Loyalty Binds Me, about King Richard III's romp in the 21st century and buy her a one-way ticket to England to find her own ancient king.
46. Your best college buddies plan an reunion at your favorite college hangout after reading Michele Shriver's heartwarming story After Ten.
47. Your daughter springs for tickets to the 2012 Nationals in Omaha where your best writing buddy lives after downloading and reading Life on the Edge, a story of love on the ice.
48. Your mother and you collaborate on her memoir, inspired by the fascinating and nostalgic story of  Growing Up Country: Memories of an Iowa Farm Girl by Carol Bodensteiner.
49. Your husband studies David's techniques of subduing and pacifying women in Michal's Window and rolls you into a Persian rug to re-enact.
50. You turn on your E-reader the day after Mother's Day and realize your children have gifted you all five books mentioned.

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